Many years ago, when my children were all small, I participated in an online debate forum. Oh things would get heated, sometimes mean. Any forum that discussed a mothering choice would tend to get particularly nasty - breast versus bottle, stay at home or working mother, to spank or not to spank. In those forums, it was gloves off to win the battle at any cost for many. Myself included sometimes. I certainly wear no halo.
Recently I had some discussion in a blog I stumbled upon some time ago. It isn't a debate blog, it's just a mom sharing her life. She'd posted about a parenting issue, and I disagreed with her style. I posted in the comments. I did my best to be respectful and to be sure I presented my opinion as simply that - MY opinion. It resulted in another commenter, who disagreed with me, assigning to me things I had not said at all. Just because s/he disagreed with me. I guess s/he felt the need to fabricate things because s/he disagreed with me, a tactic I'd seen many times years ago in those debate forums, and which was a pet peeve than and still is now. Eventually, there was a mock apology -you know the kind, where they say "I"m sorry, but you gave me that impression" instead of "I'm sorry, I made things up to make my point." Much like one of those "I'm sorry you feel that way" non-apologies. And instead of feeling like I needed to follow up on this, to call that person to the carpet as I would have years ago. I'm just done with it. And as simple as this little exchange is, it taught me some things about myself. And THAT, I guess, is my point.
at 42, I've grown up. I no longer enjoy arguing things for the sake of arguing (did a lot of that on those old debate boards). I've definitely learned that there are a gazillion different parenting styles that will work, and that sometimes mine do and sometimes they don't. When they don't, I try again. I've learned that, if it is irritating, I just step away. It isn't worth it. I still enjoy the exchange and discussions, but if the tactics turn away from open, honest and friendly to something else, then it's best to just step away and let it be. I'm not going to cause a big revelation in someone through a blog comment. And now I have grown up enough to do that and not feel like I'm letting someone else win.
It's good to grow up.
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5 comments:
Hi Angela,
I just read the posts on Zephra's website & read your post. I really hope you 2 keep in touch because I think you both can make effective contributions to each other.
Both of you showed a lot of courage by being so frank & truthful.
I'm in my 40s too (barely though! ha!) but, thankfully, my kids are all grown up. *whew* I can breathe! ;)
Take care
Thanks for your comment, Jane, and for visting me here. When I stumbled upon Zephra's site I enjoyed it because she sounded a lot like me. I think we have alot in common. Now the commenter in question, that is another matter. Hee! I'd never hijack her blog bickering with another commenter (although the old me probably would have). In fact it was quite disturbing to to me to be the center of attention of so many posts. You are absolutely right - we can all learn from each other.
I know what you mean about knowing when to stop, I think that comes with age. :)
I guess we're like fine wine, eh? lol
As for that commentor, I wouldn't hold that against Zephra though. She's a real sweetheart & very genuine.
I've got nothing against Zephra at all. It's just best for me to avoid the commenting drama. :-)
I used to visit LHJ.com message boards but they got WAY to cliquey for me!! People would jump on a bandwagon.....eventually I stopped visiting. On that website, you can remove a post. Which I did and I got jumped on for it!
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